Cover Snark: Tara’s Got Zingers

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Welcome back to Cover Snark!

From Carole: My immediate impression was that this was a Dental Office stock photo – snort, it did not immediately say: cowboy romance…

Sarah: “Ask Dr. Decker about payment plans for your Invisalign!”

Susan: Pretty sure that Decker cover wants to sell me life insurance

Maya: Or like some poster at a planned parenthood encouraging couples to get std tests

Amanda: Or it could be one of those photos that are already in a frame when you buy it at Target.

Claudia: The Decker cover is like the photo for a New York Times vows column circa 1998.

Sneezy: This gives me serial killer vibes.

Catherine: Yes, it’s very Santa Clarita Diet, isn’t it? They will either sell you a house or kill and eat you.

Via Lisa D and Robin Bradford

Elyse: What the fuck? That’s all I’ve got. What the fuck.

So it’s a medical football I was born with a weird navel romance? Like let’s throw a shifter element and a sunlight dog in there while we’re at it

Tara: It’s like a Rorschach test.

Elyse: I actually laughed out loud, Tara

Tara: Also, what’s illegal to touch on him? Is it the nips? Is that why he’s protecting them?

Elyse: Like illegal touching in a medical context is pretty upsetting

Sarah: No you mayst not toucheth his football helmet heart belly button.

Carrie: If he’s pregnant with a skull I don’t want to know how that happened.

Amanda: Coach Dr. Nips?

A new spinoff series?

By day he’s a doctor, by night he plays professional football.

Sneezy: Amanda, when you said ‘Coach Dr. Nips,’ I immediately imagined giant nipples running around on a field playing football.

To all of you now seeing it too, you’re welcome.

Susan: I am very confused by this fire

Sarah: The plantation weddings industry is using a solid approach here

Amanda: Don’t return there. It’s clearly on fire.

Tara: 0 out of 5 stars as a destination.

Elyse: The dog is the arsonist. I’m calling it now

Susan: I think maybe their problem was that they built their house in a pile of gunpowder

Tara: Classic rookie mistake.

Carrie: And…Tara wins the Internet.

Sneezy: This looks Wednesday Addam’s third cousin’s homework assignment. So nice. So suburban. They used glitter!!!

“…and there’s Charlie, he set fire to the big house and is guarding it so the masters don’t get out. All the gunpowder and bullets in the basement made it easy. He’ll meet up with Octtie and her family and everyone else before they cross the river. That’s Mr. Jim, he managed to get to the porch, but knows he’ll never make it past Charlie.” The entire class stares. Thursday blinks their dreamy brown eyes and politely waits to see if anyone has any questions. When there are none, they take their candy diorama back to their desk and sit down. They break off a piece of the honeycomb crumble and take a moment to admire how pretty the edible holographic glitter is before biting in. They crunched away at their diorama in the silent classroom until the school bell rang.”

Shana: What is shooting out of his butt?

Tara: I just had the voice of the Count from Sesame Street saying “How many stock photos did they need to make this cover? One stock photo! Two! Two stock photos! Ah ah ah!”

Claudia: I sympathize with the woman. I would be making the same face.

Amanda: Is that the same image of the little girl twice, just once is flipped and slightly recolored? Tara, does that count as one stock photo or two in the Count’s count? We need an official ruling.

Tara: Excellent point! I’ve consulted with my partner and we believe that counts as one stock photo.

Sneezy: I don’t know what he expected when he’s the one with the geyser ass.

Carherine: … and she is the one looking shocked…

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